I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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