I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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