i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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