so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
