You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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