That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
