i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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