yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
