I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize