My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
