also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
