That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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