This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
