that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
