I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I said "one day" and that day is not today
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
