i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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