You're my little dorito
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
