I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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