Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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