you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
