He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
