Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
