I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
