Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
