before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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