forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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