I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Pooping to opera.
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