I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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