Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
