If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
