My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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