remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
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The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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