You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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