I am puke
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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