I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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