Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You are a genius and a whore.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
