well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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