At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
