Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
