i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
