Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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