carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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