If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
