i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
