you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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