Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
