Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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