I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
it's like iHOP with fire
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
