i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
