I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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