You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
