wrigley field is MILF paradise
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
