Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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