So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
