is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
