my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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