Just fell off a train. Bad.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just invented taco cereal.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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