I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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