Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize