Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
