My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
