dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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