you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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