he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
