I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
