the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
