wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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