put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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