So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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