I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
